July 2013 | Staci Troilo

While Waiting for Milestones, Do You Celebrate the In-Between? You Should.

On July 29, 1937, one ecstatic man had his dreams come true when a beautiful woman walked down the aisle to join him—in front of the altar, in holy matrimony, and in life. He wasn’t the only one who was happy; that woman was equally overjoyed. Everyone thought she was going to marry a wealthy local businessman, but instead, she fell in love with a man who had quit school at the age of fourteen when his father died to support his mother and six siblings. He was responsible, but certainly not well-to-do; it was likely they would never reach anything more than a middle-class lifestyle.

And she couldn’t have cared less.

He was smart, incredibly handsome, funny, and the kindest man she had ever met. On July 29, 2013, seventy-six years after she married him, she’ll still tell you that was the best decision of her life.

How do I know all this?

Because I’m talking about my grandparents, and this is their story.

There were plenty of milestones in their lives. The purchase of their first and only home together, her first pregnancy (sadly, their son was a stillbirth), the birth of their two daughters, their twenty-fifth anniversary, the marriage of their two daughters, the birth of six grandchildren, their fortieth anniversary… You get the idea. Those are the same milestones we all look forward to.

Thing is, they didn’t make it to their fiftieth anniversary. My grandfather died in 1986, one year short of that milestone.

If my grandmother only lived for the milestone moments, she would have missed out on so much. Scenic drives, sitting on the porch watching sunrises and sunsets, sharing meals (large holiday celebrations with family and small intimate meals together), evenings spent by candlelight when the power was out, listening to the radio…

Milestone moments are highlights, but real life happens in the in-between. (Tweet this.)

When my grandmother reminisces about my grandfather, she doesn’t tell me about anniversary parties and major purchases. She tells me about board games and shopping trips, social gatherings and carwashes. My grandmother lived in the in-between, and because of it, she didn’t miss a second of her wonderful marriage.

I wish we all could appreciate the minutes we have instead of waiting for moments that may never come. (Tweet this.)

I learned from my grandmother to appreciate the in-between. Sure, I’m often going from tennis match to football game, speed camp to school event.

Life can get so hectic that we miss living it. (Tweet this.)

But, when was the last time:

your whole family gathered around the table for a meal?
you stayed up all night talking?
you turned the television off and danced to your favorite slow song?
you said “I love you,” not because you were running out the door, but because you needed to express your feelings?

If you believe life is worth living all the time, not just during special events, then you’ve already tapped in to one secret of happiness.

If you’ve been waiting for milestone after milestone, maybe it’s time to reevaluate.

In either case, I’d like to encourage you to read Jeff Goins’s new book, The In-Between.

Jeff says, “The In-Between is a call to accept the importance that waiting plays in our lives by helping you:

Find personal meaning in the times that make the least sense.
Hone the underestimated art of living in the moment.
Experience the joy that comes with embracing inconveniences.”

The In-Between is available for pre-order, and if you buy the paperback copy now, you’re eligible for $240 worth of free gifts, too. (Click here to learn more about Jeff’s generous offer.)

For Writers: Do you let your characters explore the in-between? Plots grow stagnant if they don’t move from high-point to high-point, and character relationships are often forged in these moments. But remember the movie Speed? Keanu Reeves’s character parroted a statement Sandra Bullock’s character had said earlier in the movie. “…relationships based on intense experiences never work.” And there’s truth to that. Intense experiences make for interesting plot progression, but character feelings develop best in the quiet moments between those experiences. Give your characters time to grow in the in-between.

My grandparents lived, loved, and thrived in the in-between. Wouldn’t you like to do the same?

Do you have any in-between insights you’d like to share? Please tell us your story in the comments section.

3 Writing Lessons Learned While on Vacation

One of our favorite vacations is going to the beach. I’m sure I mentioned it before; we’ve been to Jamaica, California, Hawaii, Mexico, the Dominican Republic, and several East Coast beaches ranging from New Jersey through Florida. There’s something about a vast body of water—the breeze bringing that briny scent to your nose—and wiggling your toes in the grainy sand that just sings “relaxation” to me and my family. Having the sun warm your skin and cooling off by jumping waves… that’s one luxury my family splurges on and doesn’t feel guilty about it. Well, not too guilty.

One year, when my daughter was three, we went to Hilton Head, South Carolina with my husband’s family. We arrived on a Saturday afternoon and decided to go to Mass that evening so we would have all day Sunday on the beach. My little girl was ramping up into a full blown fit. She didn’t think she should have to go to church when she was on vacation. Finally, my mother-in-law came to our rescue and began talking to my daughter.

She reminded her that Jesus died for our sins, so it wouldn’t be nice for us to ignore him just because we were on vacation.

My daughter promptly stomped her foot and crossed her arms over her chest. She replied, “He does that every year. You’d think he’d know not to go into that garden by now.” Then she turned to go get ready for Mass.

Yes, you read that right. She was three.

On one hand, I was mortified that she was so belligerent with us and my mother-in-law. On the other, I was proud that she remembered the story of Christ’s persecution and crucifixion.

My family still attends Mass regularly. We go every Holy Day and every Sunday, even when we’re on vacation. It’s more than just a family tradition; it’s part of who we are. Neither of my kids even complain about going. Whenever I doubt my parenting skills, I think about how accomplished my kids are intellectually, athletically, and especially spiritually, and the doubt goes away. For all my faults, we’re raising two wonderful children.

It made me wonder if there were any lessons I could take away from those experiences that would help me with my writing. And as usual, there were.

Routine, in any endeavor, gets things done.
Just as we didn’t, and don’t, stop attending Mass because of vacation, bad weather, or general inconvenience, I don’t stop writing because of those things either. The best way to complete a manuscript is the SAW method—Sit And Write. There will always be things that call you away from writing. The trick to getting your work done is to ignore those things. You can’t get published if you don’t complete your work, and you won’t complete your work if you keep walking away from it.
A change of scenery can do wonders for you.
Just as we take vacations and do things we enjoy to recharge our batteries, when I write, sometimes I get in a rut. Sometimes I even get writers block. I agree with the experts who say the best way to get past the block is to writer through it. Just write anything. But I also believe that the status quo may not be the best way to go about it. If you write in your office, try your patio. If you write in a coffeehouse, try working in the park.
Don’t try to change who you are.
In life, pretending to be someone you aren’t and abandoning your values and traditions will never result in anything positive. There are those who believe in the “fake it till you make it” philosophy, but I believe in honesty and integrity. Just as I live my life that way—no pretenses, no acting—I write that way. I’m not saying you have to write what you know. I’m just as able as the next person to write a story about a time and space traveler who defeats an alien army one hundred years in the future before it comes to and conquers Earth. Do I “know” that? No more than the next person. I mean really, who could possibly know about time and space travel and about defeating an alien army? No one. It’s never been done. But if I’m true to my writing style, if I develop my sci-fi characters the same way I develop my romance characters, if I construct my settings and weave my plot with the same attention to detail I do in my romance writing, then I am being true to myself and my abilities. And that’s what will create rich story worlds and realistic characters.

I’m sure all of you have stories in your past that are just cute little anecdotes you tell over coffee at family events. Consider looking at those stories for life lessons. For professional lessons. Do you have one or more in mind? I hope so. Why don’t you share with us in the comments section?

Four Ways a Family Game Can Help Improve Your Writing

Quite often I talk about family traditions in my blog. One that I don’t believe I covered yet is bocce.

bocce playing — By Immanuel Giel (Own work) [Public domain], via Wikimedia Commons

The word “bocce” is a pluralized form of the Italian word “boccia” which means “bowl,” so it’s probably not surprising that, in the United States, bocce is often referred to as lawn bowling. That makes me chuckle because (1) while there is ball rolling, there are no pins to knock down, and (2) most non-Italians who know about the game play it on the beach, not their yard.

Bocce is played with eight heavy balls (bocce) around the size of a softball and one smaller ball (jack) called the pallino which is about the size of a golf ball. It can be played one-on-one, or in teams of two, three, or four.

To begin, someone rolls the pallino down the court (or beach, or lawn). Then that person bowls first, or rolls their bocce ball, trying to come as close to the pallino as possible. Then the person from the opposite team does the same. Whichever team is further from the pallino has to continue playing. Players have the option of trying to get their ball in closer than their opponent or trying to knock the pallino and the opponent ball away from each other (and hopefully get the pallino closer to one of their own bocce balls). After all the balls have been rolled down the court, one point is awarded for each ball closer to the pallino than the opponent’s closest ball within range. Scoring is pretty similar to horseshoes, but there are no “ringer” points; whether touching the pallino or near it, one point is awarded. Then the whole process starts again until one team has accrued a set number of points. In regular rules, the game goes to twelve, fifteen or twenty-one points, but you can determine what number you want to play to.

In our hometown (Vandergrift, Pennsylvania), the local Sons of Italy club had bocce courts on their property for years. The men would gather and play. For a while, leagues were formed, but that gave way to just friendly pick-ups. It was a chance for the men to get together and play a game from their heritage while enjoying the company of their friends. When we moved to Ohio, we joined the Sons of Italy there, and they had leagues that included women. We moved away before we got to participate, however, but the game was quite popular there. When we lived in Michigan, there was actually a restaurant with many indoor courts. They catered to league play, but when the leagues weren’t competing, anyone could take a court and play a game or two. We were happy to see that when we moved there; it was a way our family (our kids were little then) could all get together and do something fun.

My husband’s family takes bocce pretty seriously. My father-in-law travels with his own set of bocce balls, he wipes them clean between each toss, and he keeps a tape measure with his kit in case there is a discrepancy among players as to whose ball is closer. My husband loves the game so much, he built a court in our backyard. My kids also loved the game until they had to shovel tons of rock and gravel to complete our court. You would think they’d like to enjoy the fruits of their labors, but they only play if friends or grandparents visit. (They all get pretty competitive. I like a slightly more relaxed game.)

So why am I babbling on about bocce? Well, for three reasons.

One—no one who comes to my house knows what the court is for or what the game is, so I thought I’d offer an explanation to those of you who don’t know.

Two—it’s just another opportunity to share Italian traditions with you, so you understand more about me.

Three—there’s a lot that can be learned from the game, personally and professionally.

Personally, bocce (and any sport or game) teaches patience, hand-eye coordination, and hopefully good sportsmanship. It’s an easy enough game that young children can play (keeping them involved with family instead of alone playing their own games), intricate enough that adults can get competitive, and gentle enough that even the elderly or infirm can participate. It truly is an all-inclusive game, and if we had more activities like these, our physical and emotional health could only improve. It’s a lot better than four people in four different rooms of the house watching television or playing video games.

Professionally there are lessons to be learned, too. I’m a writer, and I’ve learned a lot that I can apply to my craft from analyzing the game.

One—practice makes perfect. Just like the first ball you roll won’t be nearly as good as one you roll after one hundred games, the first draft of something you write won’t be nearly as good as something you’ve revised. Also, the first book you write won’t go nearly as smoothly as the tenth book you write. They say you need 10,000 hours to master a task; get writing! You can fake a lot until you make it, but you can’t fake experience.

Two—sometimes you have to change strategy. In bocce, you can roll until your wrists are sore, but if a ball is blocking you, you need to shoot it out of the way. In writing, sometimes even carefully crafted plots for some reason don’t work. When that happens, the best course of action is to abandon the plan and try to take things in a different direction. Listen to what your characters are telling you. They know best what they need to do, and if they aren’t following your plan, there’s probably something better for them to do.

Three—don’t get cocky. In bocce, just because the score is 10-2 doesn’t mean you have the game in the bag. Three good turns by the other team could have them in the lead. In writing, you can’t take anything for granted. You might have a solid story and a rock-star agent, but that doesn’t mean anything. Even once you get the contract and the advance, your work isn’t over. There’s marketing to do, and you have to keep producing or the ride is over.

Four—in bocce, whether winning or losing, be a good sport. You don’t want to be the person no one wants to play with because of your attitude. In the publishing industry, always be gracious, even to someone giving you a bad critique; you don’t know who your words will reach, and you never want to have a bad reputation.

So, bocce is a fun Italian game the whole family can enjoy. The next time you see people rolling colored balls down a beach or in their yard, you’ll know what they’re doing. Take the time to watch and learn, maybe even join in. You’ll have a blast. And don’t forget to take some lessons away from the game.

What games did your family play growing up? Did you learn anything from them? Why don’t you share in the comments?

Times Change — Embracing New Traditions

We celebrated Independence Day this past week. In addition to the swimming and the picnic food, we set off fireworks. That’s one of my son’s favorite things to do. I think it has something to do with the power of the explosives and the exhilaration the display causes everyone who’s watching. The ones we set off this year were pretty good, for backyard fireworks.

labradors — Excited Casey and
Scared Max

My family enjoyed them. One of my dogs did. The other was frightened, to the point he made himself sick. Maybe next year he’ll adapt better and enjoy the show like his brother does.

My nephew, when he was young, called it a “spectacular extravaganza in the sky.” It’s cuter if you hear it coming from the lispy voice of a two year old. He’s twenty-five now, but I’m pretty sure he still likes fireworks. I don’t know anyone (my youngest dog excluded) who doesn’t like them.

Growing up, Independence Day was spent at the local festival in my hometown. There were food stands, game booths, and live bands for days. Fireworks started around 9:00 on the fourth and lasted for about an hour, culminating in a grand finale that left us all breathless. Most people stayed at the festival to watch the show, but my family always went to my grandparents’ house. Their backyard faced the field where the fireworks were set off.

Those are some of my fondest memories of childhood.

There were the years when I was very young and quite frightened that the embers would land on me. I stood on the porch under the roof and peaked out at the ones that were above my head. There were the years when I was older and stood as close to the field I could, eagerly anticipating the next explosion, and the next, and the next.

We stopped going when my grandfather passed away. My grandmother’s heart wasn’t in it anymore, and if she wasn’t celebrating, it seemed wrong to enjoy the show without her.

As the years went on, I started dating the boy who became my husband. We’d watch the fireworks from his parents’ backyard. It always left me nostalgic for my younger years, but it was nice being with the boy I loved.

Samantha/Seth toddlers — My Kids as Toddlers Ready for Summer Fun with Family

When we were married and had kids, we’d bring them to the festival and then to my in-laws’ house. They had a blast, and so did we. But time marches on, and things change. We moved away, and getting back for the festival became harder and harder. Finally we stopped going home for the festival, and now we live so far away and our kids’ schedules are so full, we couldn’t go home if we wanted to.

Not that it matters.

My town stopped having the Fourth of July Festival years ago, choosing instead to have only the church festival in August.

What’s the point of this story, you ask?

It’s so you understand that time marches on. Things change, people change, and you should embrace every opportunity that comes your way. Before long, loved ones will be gone, events will have changed or ceased to exist, and you might have to start your own traditions just to have any connection with your past. And connections with your past forge the person you are today.

backyard fireworks tradition — My grown son preparing our fireworks display.
Traditions change, but the emotions behind them remain.

My husband and I do what we can to keep family traditions alive for our kids—even when we have to change things to keep the traditions alive. Do you still keep old traditions alive for your family? Why don’t you share some traditions in the comments section below?

And writers, in addition to the family matters discussed above, consider how to apply these principles to your WIPs. Do you have family traditions that you can work into your characters’ lives? Have those traditions changed over the years? If so, for the better or worse? How do these traditions impact your characters? Don’t forget to include setting, senses, and character reactions. Maybe you could discuss a tradition you’re incorporating into your WIP in the comments section.

11 Fun Facts About Independence Day

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness. -The Declaration of Independence

…………………Image courtesy of wikimedia.org, and is in the public domain

I love all holidays. Spring, summer, fall, or winter; holidays are always special. My husband is off work, the kids are home, loved ones gather, and millions of people slow down and celebrate the same event. Holidays unite people in a way that nothing else does.

Independence Day is one of my favorites. Without the actions of a determined group of people, I wouldn’t have grown up in the greatest nation in the world.

We have all year to debate governmental policies and economic platforms; Independence Day should be a day to celebrate our freedom, our unalienable rights, our liberty. And that’s exactly what my family will be doing this year, with a picnic and fireworks.

In honor of our Founding Fathers and the soldiers who gave us our great nation, I found a few “fun facts” about Independence Day to share.

1) The anniversary of our independence is not really July 4.
In a closed session of congress on July 2, 1776, the resolution of independence was approved, legally separating the thirteen colonies from Great Britain. Proof of that was found in a letter John Adams wrote to his wife: “The second day of July, 1776, will be the most memorable epoch in the history of America. I am apt to believe that it will be celebrated by succeeding generations as the great anniversary festival.” So why do we celebrate Independence Day on July 4th? Because that’s the date printed on the Declaration of Independence.

2) All 56 men didn’t sign The Declaration of Independence at the same time. Officially, the signing occurred on August 2, 1776, when 50 of the men signed it. For the safety of the men, their names were kept hidden from the public for more than six months. If the independence movement had not succeeded, the signers would have been guilty of treason and put to death.

3) The Revolutionary War didn’t begin with the Declaration of Independence.
The Declaration of Independence wasn’t adopted until 1776, but the American Revolution began in 1775 and lasted until 1783. This epic battle for liberty culminated with independence for the colonies and the birth of the United States.

4) The first Independence Day celebration wasn’t July 2 or July 4.
Independence Day was first celebrated in Philadelphia on July 8, 1776. In America, before the revolution, colonists would hold annual celebrations in honor of the king’s birthday. In 1976, colonists celebrated independence by holding fake funerals for King George III, symbolizing America’s liberty from Great Britain. Early Independence Day celebrations also included concerts, bonfires, parades, and canon fire.

5) Parades and fireworks mark Independence Day because of John Adams.
In the same letter John Adams sent his wife, he went on to say: “It ought to be commemorated as the day of deliverance, by solemn acts of devotion to God Almighty. It ought to be solemnized with pomp and parade, with shows, games, sports, guns, bells, bonfires, and illuminations [fireworks], from one end of this continent to the other, from this time forward forever more.”

6) A standard flag was created to avoid confusion.
The reason a standard flag was even suggested was because colonists were all creating their own emblems as symbols of independence from Great Britain.

One was a British Union Jack sitting in the upper-left corner of a red flag with the words “Liberty and Union” (in white) adorning the field’s lower half.
The Sons of Liberty (famous for the Boston Tea Party) operated with a simple flag sporting alternating red and white stripes.
Another popular design was a coiled rattlesnake on a yellow or red-and-white striped flag emblazoned with the words “Don’t tread on me.”
Immediately before the Declaration of Independence, the most popular flag of revolution was the “Continental Colors.” This flag displayed a Union Jack in the upper-left corner on a field of red and white stripes. That particular flag created confusion in battle. Because of the presence of the Union Jack, sometimes revolutionists were mistaken for the enemy, prompting the June 14 resolution creating a standard flag.

7) The flag’s first design was unspecific; standards were adopted later.
On June 14, 1777, the Continental Congress passed the country’s first flag law. It was a brief resolution, but lacking detail: “Resolved. That the flag of the United States be thirteen stripes, alternate red and white; that the union be thirteen stars, white in a blue field, representing a new constellation.” The law said nothing about the flag’s shape or size, nor did it direct the order of stripes or the size, type, or arrangement of stars. The Continental Congress adopted the first flag as a sign of national pride and unity. Flag standards were set on June 24, 1912 by an Executive Order from President Taft. For the first time, there were specific proportions given and directions for the arrangement of the stars (at that time, into six rows of eight).

8) The flag colors of red, white, and blue were never given specific meaning.
Charles Thomson, the secretary of the Continental Congress, was one of the designers of the Great Seal of the United States. In his report to Congress on June 20, 1782, the day the seal was approved, he described the colors of the seal by saying: “White signifies purity and innocence. Red hardiness and valour and Blue . . . signifies vigilance, perseverance and justice.” That is likely where the flag’s colors gained their meaning, however, no such attribution was ever given to it. Historians believe the colors to have come from Great Britain’s Union Jack. Today, the interpretations are as follows, but are not official:

……….. Colors Meaning on the Great Seal Flag Interpretation
…………..Red Hardiness and valour Blood, war, and courage
…………..White Purity and innocence Purity
…………..Blue Vigilance, perseverance and justice Justice and freedom

9) The 13 stars on the first official flag were arranged in a circle, not lines.
While there was no official law mandating the arrangement of the stars in the field of blue, the stars were said to have been in a circle so no state would be above another.

10) There is no proof that Betsy Ross sewed the first American flag.
We’ve all heard the story that Betsy Ross was approached by George Washington with a sketch he drew and she then sewed the first American Flag. That story was first told to the Historical Society of Pennsylvania by her grandson, William Canby, in 1870, nearly 100 years after the event took place. His only evidence was testimonials from his family. There is no tangible historical evidence — letters, diaries, newspaper accounts, bills of sale — that Ross (then Elizabeth Claypoole) had any involvement in the creation of the flag. Does that mean that she didn’t do it? No. In fact, there are several patriotic organizations that support Betsy Ross at the first creator of the iconic symbol, stating that she’s a cherished part of American history and is synonymous with the flag’s creation. So who actually designed the flag, if not George Washington? Continental Congress journals show that patriot and New Jersey Congressman Francis Hopkinson was the flag’s designer. No evidence has been found specifying who first sewed it.

11) Uncle Sam was inspired by a real person, but not a patriot during the Revolutionary War.
The Uncle Sam symbol probably began in 1812. The US Army was being supplied meat shipments from meat packer Samuel Wilson. Those shipments had a “U.S.” stamp on them. Someone joked that “U.S.” stood for “Uncle Sam,” the meat provider. Eventually that joke resulted in Uncle Sam symbolizing the United States government.

So, how many of these facts did you know?

Did I miss any big ones?

Share your knowledge in the comments section below, and have a Happy 4^th of July!

Image courtesy of wikicommons, painted by James Montgomery Flagg in 1916-1917 for the Department of Defense , and is in the public domain.

Image courtesy of wikicommons, painted by James Montgomery Flagg in 1916-1917 for the
Department of Defense , and is in the public domain.